Forever Lamenting
by Laine
Summary: The past seems to have caught up to those who sought to avoid it. Glenn and Karsh now have to come to terms with their pasts, and what is to become of their future, if anything.


Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. I don't own Glenn or Karsh, for they are the products of Squaresoft... yada yada.   
Author's Note: I have no idea as to what Glenn's eye colour is. So his eyes are grey in this fic.   
Other such warnings: Beware of happy endings.   
Author: Laine 

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**Forever Lamenting**

All was quiet on the grounds of Viper Manor. No one dared penetrate the invincible fortress. Guards patrolled the gardens with an undying vigour, loyalty to their Lord making them ready for any one who was foolish enough to attempt to force their way in through their ranks. They almost always had an uneventful night. Indoors, the few trained guards that marched along the corridors took little notice of the flickering shadow that stole across the hallways and outside into the darkness. 

It was beautiful. 

As the apprehensive figure stumbled by the intricately carved statues, the shimmering glass fountain, the trellis of delicate and exotic flowers, all man-made forms - though lovely were ignored. Instead, calm, grey eyes gazed up at the natural elegance of the heavens, admiring each twinkling star as they shone with their utmost intensity. The moon was at it's fullest, brimming with a bright, white light, illuminating the trembling figure as shaking hands grasped for the edge of the cold stone balcony. Beads of sweat trickled down a weary face, and pale lips swallowed great gulps of the cool night air. 

_It almost happened again..._

The sound of the white-crested waves below calmed him somewhat , and he managed to run a hand through his tangled hair, trying to understand. 

_Why him? Why now? And why haven't things changed?_

He thought he had recovered from his loss, had healed the wounds that had been made... but no matter how hard he tried, the scars of the past remained with him. Always. 

A hand moved to his face, his fingers tracing a line along the deep imperfection that marred his otherwise flawless face. He winced slightly at the invisible impression his fingers made, as if the pain was still there, the wound fresh, open. The scars of his past would not fade. 

Many moments of silence passed before a long sigh escaped the pale lips, though slowly regaining their natural rosy hue, the head full of moonlit hair hung low, staring into the foamy depths below. 

_I'm lost without you..._

The once still and tranquil eyes were now wet with tears yet to be shed. 

_I need you here. To stay with me. To guide me. Who will tell me what is right or wrong? What to do? Where to go..._

A deep breath. 

_I can't stay here much longer, I just can't keep up this façade… sooner or later, someone will see through it, see my insecurities, feel my pain, my loneliness… and I can't let that happen. I've been nothing but strong for everyone, no one has seen my other side - this side, alone and abandoned in my grief. No one could possibly understand what I've been going through. Perhaps I should keep it that way._

Finally, one glistening teardrop fell into the dark waters that drifted listlessly beneath the dazzling stars. 

"Oh, my dear brother. That you were still here..." The words had barely left his lips in the faintest of whispers, when a firm hand was felt on his shoulder. 

xxx 

A dark-haired figure awoke with a start, gasping for air. The sheets were tangled about his sweating body as he writhed in pain from an unseen assailant in a world that he had left behind long ago. His entire body ached as if the pain had never left him, like the guilt he had borne at a time that seemed so distant, so far away that he could hardly remember it even if he tried. And then he did, and it all came floding back to him. One vivid memory after the next. 

The sword. Blood. His expression as he and the accursed artefact plummeted to their watery graves. 

No, those memories would forever be ingrained in his mind, etched into his very soul. He would never forget that night, not for as long as he lived. And what was more, _they_ wouldn't let him. 

An involuntary frown came over the face already drawn in fatigue and weariness. The way they looked at him was enough. They didn't have to live under the pretence that it wasn't his fault, that it was a mistake 'anyone could have made'. He knew it wasn't. The baited remarks and reproachful stares from the friend he thought he knew made that hard to believe. And the look in her eyes... she said nothing, but the silent treaties her eyes spoke were of sadness and a constant disappointment. It was with one simple look from her that made him feel as if he were dying an infinite number of miserable, torturous deaths. 

Now he couldn't bring himself to look at her, at those sorrowful eyes filled with such pain and loneliness that he would have done anything in his power to pull her close and make her eyes dance with happiness again. Like they used to, so many years ago. 

Sitting up in his bed, he let out a long laborious sigh. There was no use in staying in bed like this, the vicious thought invading his mind like the thick fog that still managed to breach the walls of a the most secure fortress. They had taken complete control and were slowly eating away at him... 

It was at times like these when getting away from your problems was the only solution. It was also the cause of his exhausted state most days. Then again, anything was better than lying alone, rehashing the events of his seemingly eternal nightmare. 

With sleep long gone from dark eyes, the weary figure rose out of bed and looked to the door. A walk should do some good, he thought. Calm frayed nerves, soothe the thoughts that smothered him while in bed. He walked over to his bedroom door, swung it open and without a moment's hesitation, stepped into the hallway and pulled the door closed behind him. The marble floor was cold against his bare feet as he walked down the empty corridor, his mind searching for something else to fixate upon... anything but _him_. 

The next thing he could think of was... no, thinking of _her_ was no better on his conscience. 

He didn't know how long he had been wandering the halls, but he eventually found himself upstairs, finding it rather ironic that he had paused just inches from a large wooden door. It didn't strike him as odd that his hand was poised above the wood, as if to knock. He didn't feel surprised at his shortness of breath, his sudden feeling of nervousness and insecurity. Yet, it still seemed so natural, almost instinctive for him to be standing outside this particular door. 

It had been a long time since he had felt comfort here. A time when there was much to talk about, much to do... He had known it so well, had known _her_. And he thought he knew himself... but then it had to happen. Something he had never imagined, something so ruthless and cold... and he had done it. He had ruined everything. No, things were different now. 

He lowered his arm and turned away. 

Too many things had changed. In the midst of it all, he had been left behind. 

A faint sound, like the falling of light footsteps brought him back to his senses. Glancing down the hallway, he realized that the door to the upper balcony was left open. He could feel the soft breath of the wind brushing against his face, the distinctive scent of salt overpowering his senses. Drawn by the subtle music of the waves crashing outside, he made his way outdoors and onto the balcony under the stars. 

He was mildly surprised to find another figure already occupying the furthest part of the balcony. 

_What could he possibly be doing here?_

Yet there he stood, hands braced on the edge of the balcony. He could hear his heavy breathing, see his slender body trembling. Silently, he watched as the other ran a hand through his fair hair, and moments later brought that same hand to his face. And it wasn't an ordinary gesture, that much was obvious to the watchful eye. Something was wrong. 

_Glenn..._

Without thinking, he reached out a hand to steady the figure leaning over the balcony. 

_For the sake of old memories._

xxx 

"You alright, kid?" 

The grey eyes blink once, and the tears are gone. "Yeah. I'm fine." 

The hand moves from his shoulder, and a tall dark-haired figure leans beside him on the balcony, staring out at the sea. "I couldn't sleep either." He said. 

A smile. 

The two stood alone, time passing without either one saying a word. It was an awkward moment, neither one wanting to speak to the other, if only to retain the tranquil hush of the air about them. The silence gave allowance for thought, and there was apparently much to think about. 

Grey eyes stole a glance at the unmoving figure, and with the help of the moonlight suddenly noticed how the gentle wind swept the violet-coloured strands into a pleasant, though weary face, the wide, twinkling red eyes unblinking. He found himself moving involuntarily closer to the silent entity beside him reaching out with his hand, as if to touch the wind-blown strands, then stopped short with a gasp. He drew back, feeling both confused and ashamed of the way in which he hastily acted upon his thoughts. 

But the other did not notice, or made no indication that he did, and let out a yawn. "I think I'm about ready for bed." He stretched and reached out to ruffle the head of fair hair ahead of him, but it danced out of his reach as the other backed away, a look of reprehension and bewilderment on a face tinged with pink. Then he shrugged, not in the least bit surprised and turned to go back inside. "See you in the morning kid." 

The other watched him go, until there was but a shadow of him left in the doorway. Then - 

"Wait." 

Softly but firmly he repeated himself, not really expecting an answer. To his surprise, a violet-crowned head revealed itself in the doorway. 

"Glenn?" 

"Do you... do you think things have changed, Karsh?" 

A look of puzzlement came over the face in the doorway. "Do I..." He scratched his head, trying to think of an answer to the simple question. But it wasn't so easy. There was no simple answer to that question. He spoke his next words slowly and carefully, "Alot has happened since..." He wisely chose to let his sentence fade away into the night, purposely avoiding the other's searching eyes. He stepped out from the shadows and strode over to the moonlit figure on the balcony. "Why do you -" 

"Have _you_ changed?" 

Karsh shrugged. "Well, I don't really know." He pulled a few strands of his own hair into his eyes, inspecting them. "I think my hair might have grown a couple inches. Does it look like I've changed?" 

Despite his mood, Glenn found himself smiling. "I guess you haven't changed that much. But seriously," The smile quickly faded from his face. "You can't be the only one who hasn't. When Dario was -" 

"I know what happened." The other replied curtly. 

An awkward silence followed. Karsh forced his eyes ahead, staring at the open sea. He had come out here to escape his wearysome memories, but somehow Fate managed to elude him, and here he was reliving his memories through Glenn's simple and yet misleading questions. He closed his eyes in an effort to shut away the torturous thoughts. 

Glenn on the other hand, was watching Karsh, a curious look on his face. He couldn't help but feel a sense of admiration mixed with sympathy as he watched the other man stand completely still, showing no signs of emotion. 

Was there really nothing behind his rough exterior? Nothing that could dissuade the nagging feelings in his mind that Karsh couldn't truly regret what he did that day? Or was this silence, this lack of emotion his way of hiding his true feelings? 

_Why can't I figure you out Karsh? Have you changed that much?_

"Do you still think about him?" Karsh asked, unexpectedly breaking the silence. 

"All the time." Glenn kept his eyes focused on the figure in front of him, still unmoving in both his stature and emotional state. "Do you?" 

Even the waves seemed to respond to his question, slowly breaking against the rocks below. 

"Do you?" 

"Of course I do." 

Glenn hadn't expected the hesitation, and for some reason unknown to himself, it made him angry. "Why are you so cold? Don't you regret what you did in the past?" 

Karsh merely stared at him, his dark eyes betraying a no more than a mere hint of the emotions that wrested within his soul. Glenn didn't seem to notice. 

"You never even thought of what it would have done... don't you care about what this has done to us all? Didn't you care about him? I thought you were his friend." The last word he spat, his unwarranted bitterness towards Karsh building as he spoke. 

"No one is the same, Karsh You're the only one that doesn't seem to -" 

"I didn't do it out of spite, Glenn You know that." 

This last statement struck Glenn, and his feelings of resentment abruptly faded away. He hadn't intended to sound so harsh, to let his emotions get the better of him, but the calm eyes opposite him held no response, belied no impression or feeling otherwise. 

_Like a true soldier. Like..._

He shook his head, ridding himself of the memories that threatened to return when he least desired them. Why couldn't he be more like that? Glenn frowned at his own weakness. "Look Karsh," He began, this time a more calmly, "I know you didn't mean to do what you did. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened." 

"So you're saying that it _is_ my fault?" 

"No, I'm not saying that." 

Karsh crossed his arms, turning away from Glenn and looking back out to sea. "So what are you saying then? That I shouldn't have done what I did? I should have let him kill me so he could move on to Riddel, or you, or God knows who else?" 

"I... I don't know." 

"He _wanted_ me to do it." 

Glenn swallowed the lump that was quickly rising in his throat. "Karsh, I only wanted to - It's just that everyone's been so uneasy since then, and Riddel..." 

Karsh spun around, red eyes still showing no sign of empathy. "What about her?" He burst, a little _too_ quickly. 

Glenn shrugged. "She hasn't been herself lately. She walks about as if in a trance... she doesn't eat. She hardly speaks to me anymore. The General is worried sick about her." 

Karsh hung his head, turning away again. "I see." 

The fair-haired figure closed his grey eyes, letting out a sigh. He wondered if he should tell Karsh that he knew of his heartache. He felt such pity for him. There was no way the woman he put on his pedestal would ever return that love, not if there was even a glimmer of hope that Dario might ever return. 

"You know it's not going to happen Karsh" 

The addressee did not look up. 

"She can't - there's no way she could ever put Dario behind her. I think you should -" 

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

Glenn withheld the urge to grab Karsh by the shoulders and give him a good shake. "Let her go. You both need to go on with your lives... Don't you see? A relationship with you would only make her more unhappy. There are too many things left unresolved about your past. You have to understand Karsh, I'm only looking out for her. My brother's..." He drifted off, watching the violet strands again as they blew gently in the evening wind. 

He reached out and placed a hand on his comrade's shoulder, but Karsh shook his arm out of the light grasp. Then he spoke. His voice as cold and bitter as the expression on his face that he dared to show. "How would you know? You don't understand. You don't know how I feel. You don't know anything about me or what I've been through." 

"I _don't_ know you? I've only known you as a brother for as long as I can remember!" 

Karsh glared at him. 

The other nodded, as if in agreement. "We were young, so no, I suppose I don't. But what I do know, is that you're hurting, deep inside. Though you don't often show it, I know it's there. Why don't you forget the soldier's facade, and show some emotion for once? No one is ever going to understand you, or what you're feeling unless you open up to them, let them see what's on your mind..." 

"I can't do that. What I'm feeling, what I endure each day... I deserve. I made a grave mistake that night, and now I must pay for it." 

Karsh's face was so melancholy that it made Glenn want to say something in response, to do something to show that he really did care, but nothing came to mind. "Well, I..." 

_There's nothing to say. He wouldn't understand..._

"Just forget it." 

Glenn watched as the other turned to leave. This time he decided to let him go. And thus the silence of the night enveloped him again, forcing him to focus again on his own internal struggles, neither one understanding as the ever mournful past came in between them, and not for the last time. 

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Just for the record, this fic took me two weeks to put together (blame finals and that blasted bio assignment). Thanks for your time. 


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